It's been nearly a year

Sometimes I feel like writing... and I don't... and my words never stop eating me up inside.

I get afraid to put things on the screen. I'm afraid of who will read them and what they will say about me. It shouldn't matter. I'm done being afraid. Sticks and stones right?

It's been a hard year. Our family has been through a lot of changes. We've moved across the country... literally from the far West to the far East and I still feel like it was yesterday we got on the plane in Honolulu and I watched our little island shrink below us. Thinking about it gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my chest. The last few months have flown by and most of the time I feel like I can't catch my breath long enough to look around and catch my bearings. In some ways it's good. I'm not ready to settle here... I don't think it'll ever feel like home and I'll be excited in 2 years when it's time to go. But, at the same time, I feel like I'm missing a lot of things I don't want to miss. Aidan turned 3 in April and he's turning into a regular little man. He says things on a dailly basis that amaze me. I made him and he amazes me. I have a hard time believing that he's mine most of the time. His capacity for love and understanding blow my mind. He understands more than I feel like I do most of the time. I thank him for that... he makes life bearable for me.

I've been working full time for nearly a year now. I'm hiring for them now and it feels weird to me to be in a position of leadership where people value what I have to say and take my opinions seriously. I like that feeling. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything.... but sometimes I still feel like I'm capable of absolutely nothing. That's the great thing about being human isn't it? I'm holding my breath and waiting for an opportunity to get back in school and figure out just exactly what it is I want to do with my life. A lot of people have a lot of ideas for me... I'm still figuring it out for myself. I will someday... I won't have a choice. When things stop spinning. They will have to eventually.

We're expecting another little one in late January. I'll find out in a couple weeks whether Aidan will have a little brother or sister and we're all so excited. It still doesn't feel real to me most of the time. That whole whole spinning, mind in a haze, thing in full effect again. I'm hoping having a baby will force me to slow down and try to enjoy the time we have here... as much as I dislike the scenery.

I'm done caring what people say or think about me. I know who I am. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've done what I can to rectify those mistakes. I know people say things that are not true sometimes and it somehow makes them feel like a bigger person... I'm learning. We're all learning. I know I'm doing the best I can. I'll just keep doing that.

Lots of months... Lots of miles

I shouldn't be sitting here writing this... I should be getting ready for work... I should be doing a lot of other things... but I need to write. Now.

When I was younger I had a lot of ideas in my head about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be. I spent a lot of time thinking about where I wanted everything to go and fit, and then reality set in. Nothing ever goes or fits where you imagined it would. It's a constant process of reevaluating your wants and needs and which things are possible and which things just aren't. At the end of the day it's a compromise. Sometimes you just have to give up what you thought you really wanted for what you need, for what your family needs. It's hard. Life is hard.

I miss Hawaii. I feel like as soon as I become ok with a place, with a life, it gets turned upside down on me and a new journey begins to become ok with a new one. Things were easy in Hawaii... and here, they're not. Nothing is easy here. I realize that I've lived most of my life not really having to work for anything, at all. And here I do... and it's not all because I want to do it now... it's because I have to... for the survival of my family. It leaves me torn. I won't settle for substandard when I can provide something better.

And while I DO love what I'm doing. I LOVE working. I love this part of my life... When I come home at the end of the day I feel a sense of guilt... like a rock on my chest... I should be doing something to move and I just don't have the energy. I can't do it all at once, and it's not fair. I want to be here for my son all of the time and I want to be out in the world providing for him at the same time and I just can't... it's not humanly possible. Mothers gain superpowers when their children are born, just not enough. No superpower in the world will allow me to feel like I'm doing enough. I can do everything and it still won't be enough. It's not possible to be everything to everyone and still be there for yourself... there aren't enough hours in the day for that. Until there are, this will have to hurt, just a little.

Here we go again.

There's been a lot on my mind lately. We're relocating here in a few weeks and I've got mixed emotions about the whole thing. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery and maybe a little more wiggle room in our home (and a FENCED YARD!!!) but at the same time I'm incredibly sad. There are so many people here that I just don't want to let go of. It took a me a long time to get to a place where I was happy on this little island of mine, and now I am... I'm not ready to leave it all. It's nice to have friends and it seems like as soon as I find some people I really really click with it's time to start over again. I'm going to miss them.

So... This is Paradise is back again, at least for now. We all know how ADD I am about blogging. The location will change but I'm keeping the name the same, because it will always apply in so many ways. Yes, Jana, your relentless stalking payed off.

Things are good here. Garrick is back home safe and sound. Aidan is doing well, talking ALL THE TIME and driving me insane... but it's the good kind of insane (at least I hope so). I'm feeling awesome these days, cut out all the refined and processed foods from my diet and it'a making a HUGE difference. I don't feel like I'm in a fog anymore. Forgive me if I don't keep up on your blogs... I truly suck like that. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer these days (it sucks the LIFE out of me) and I'll probably spend even less time as moving day approaches. We're going on vacation to the Big Island at the end of this month, the movers come at the beginning of July and we're outta here at the end of July. Things are going to pick up and start happening REALLY fast around here!

So yeah, that's about it for now... and an entry I wrote back in March as a reply to a girl who wrote a blog about the things SHE never wanted to let herself become (fat, SAHM, unruly kids, poor... etc) :D

"Things "I" never want to do in my life

Some... I never want to do again.
I don't ever want to judge another person based on their age or social status or weight or race or wealth. Doing that means missing out on a LOT of friendships I never would have had otherwise.

I never want to let the pressure to fit in change who I am. I'm just fine the way I am! It's simply not worth it.

I never want to feel like it's ok to treat someone like they're less special than they are (because everyone is special) and I don't want to ever lay down and act like it's ok for anyone else to treat me that way.

I never want my children to think that because I stay home with them I play a less important role in our family than their father. I will never be possessed by another person. I am not owned or dependent or weak because I chose to raise my son in our home. I am just as capable as my husband of getting out in the world and providing for this family but it is my choice to stay home and do my part here providing for it.

I never want to put material possessions before love.

I never want to stop learning and growing.

I never want my children to look back on their young lives and think "I will never treat my children the way my mother treated me." I want them to know they came from a loving home where they never felt threatened or afraid. I want them to come from an environment where they feel unconditionally accepted.

I never want to become so consumed with things that just aren't that important, in the grand scheme of things, that I lose sight of what IS."